Hi, it’s Marta here. It's been a while...
This is not the ‘Frida experience’ that I wanted…
The myth of a suffering artist is not my cup of tea. I refuse to romanticise pain. As much as I’ve always loved Frida and I can relate to her experience the constant, relentless, soul braking, muscle spasming pain, I can't pour my soul into the canvas now. All my art has been created in a flow and right now I’m not is the best place.
I’m not even sure where to start. Long story short: I’ve badly injured my back, I’ve spent 3 months on maxed out opioids and mostly stuck horizontally, with serious mobility issues, on some days unable to dress myself, care for myself or my family… don’t even mention painting.
Besides the mobility loss and pain I started loosing feeling in my left leg, grasping things in my both hands was increasingly more difficult. I was still trying to move and do the bare minimum, just grind my teeth in pain, max out on opioids and try to hide my mobility issues…
Of course few accidents followed. The one that crushed my spirit was in a supermarket where I lost control of my leg and fell badly like an old lady and I wasn’t able to move. I felt so embarrassed, vulnerable, helpless and stripped of my dignity. It was was late January and that’s when the things went from bad to worse.
Spinal MRI scan showed multiple crushed/ torn / herniated discs, impinged and damaged nerves and discs degeneration aka bad changes in my spine. I’ve had degenerative spine condition which I’ve been struggling with for years, it’s been getting worse but it’s never been that bad.
This winter is a blur.
My husband has been an absolute rock, taking care of me while juggling solo childcare, house and work. My friends and family were amazing as well, keeping my spirits up, visiting me, helping me with anything, doing school runs for me, taking me to all the dr appointments and just being there for me when I was just stuck on the floor crying my eyes out and grinding my teeth in pain. I had a fair share of broken bones and surgery recoveries in my lifetime, but nothing has been ever as painful as this.
Few weeks ago I’ve quit all meds: cold turkey/ trainspotting style (I absolutely do not recommend this and the doctors will advise against it). I’ve reached the point where I couldn’t deal with the adverse psychological side effects of the opioids use. The withdrawal symptoms were terrifying. I’m lucky that my husband and friends were there for me.
I’m now feeling much better after the big and horrible detox. I’ve seen specialists, I had various treatments, still long way to go to be myself again, but I can walk more now, I’ve regained a lot of the lost mobility and I’m hoping to be able to paint again soon.
I don’t want to accept the concept of a chronic pain and mobility issues.
I just want to get better, improve my physical strength so I can just live my life, and create.
As this point I still have physical limitations and however it is frustrating I just have to be patient with myself. I’ve missed painting so much and I can’t wait to go back to work again … especially that there is a new art exhibition coming up in few months (more about it soon).
So this is why I disappeared for a while.
A massive THANK YOU to everyone who have reached out with kind words of support, who kept on sharing my art and who purchased my art, despite my silence.
It is simply so nice and heart-warming that even if you do disappear for few months, you are still not forgotten.
My hands are working as they used to now, my leg is getting there but I can walk around but my mobility isn’t nowhere near to what it used to be. I’m having physio and I’m just waiting for the hospital date for the further treatment for my damaged spine.
I’m being hopeful and I can’t wait to share with you new art that I will create once I’m back at work.
Currently I am unable take any new commissions or new design projects, but you can still buy my art on my website.